Friday 19/06/2026

Alright, so it is time to get my life back on track. I am drowning in self pity and inaction. Time to get stuff going for myself to get out of this funk that I am in and to hopefully live a better more productive life. I kind of like the black page and white text. Makes me focus on the page more. I need to come up with ideas for something to do every day that makes me feel like my life actually means something and to in turn also make some money because I am 35 years old in a few months and I still make my parents give me a monthly allowance. How fucking pathetic is that. I need to stop wallowing about not living in the UK or Poland as it was my own fucking choice to move to Belize. Yes, I did think that by now the things would be in a much better place and that we would be able to sustain our lives on the money we make here but alas, it is not so. It is so damm hard to do anything that makes money when you’re living far from anything without a car and without good internet. 

Ok, so some facts: 

Female. White. Married. Living in Belize. Husband is hard working but life did a number on him when he was just 11 and education opportunities passed him by. 176cm in height with a starting weight of 101.7kg but now I’m down to 97.6kg. Want to reach 75kg as final weight and 90kg by the end of August (my birthday). 16k USD in debt. Three dogs, 12 chickens (8 layers, 3 local hens and 1 local rooster). Want to eventually move away form the village and live on a farm with my cows, chickens, turkeys and my husband will have his pigs (I say his pigs because as cute as they are they smellllll and I want them far from the house). I kind of hate people but get sad and depressed when left alone too long. I know there are some great people out there but in general the ones I have met here and not my cup of tea. They just pass their time talking shit about people as if they were a godsend themselves. I really wish to write a book in my life. See it on the bookshelves in stores would be the greatest joy of my life. 

I haven’t really written anything since I dropped out of my PhD program 5 years ago so this feels incredibly nice. I’m happy to find out that I can still type fairly fast without looking at the keyboard like a boomer (sorry boomers, I love you). 

They are supposed to install electricity in my village very soon so when they do I will start the process of getting internet to my house. With that I will be able to do much more online and creatively as well. I might make this into a blog go instagram pages just for accountability purposes. Kind of like having friends you can vent to. Sounds pretty fucking sad when I say it like that but I mean it in a good way. I will feel like I need to keep going and not give up because maybe, perhaps, someone out there is actually following my journey. I won’t give my name although based on the info I have provided if you know me, you’ll figure it out so perhaps there is no really point of staying anonymous. The illusion of anonymity will make me feel better though, so ill stick to it. 

Today is the 4th day without running water here. The people installing the posts for electricity broke 3 pipes, one of which is the main water pipe of the village so its taking forever to fix it. Apparently they have done it already and are pumping the water but it still hasn’t reached by house (we live a little on a hill so it may take some extra time). Was supposed to do laundry today but alas, no water. I think that’s also one of the things that gets me so down. That I really am a highly educated person (even finished a masters degree at the Cambridge) but due to levels of confidence that reach below zero, I am just surviving instead of thriving. Just writing this jumble of thoughts is already making me feel more human. I like this. Also, I got stung my something two days ago and my thigh is still swollen and itchy. Probably a wasp as a few months ago I got stung by a wasp on my face and looked like the guy playing the bells at Notre Dame. 

I’m also just really tired. I have been sleeping around 5 hours a night these past 10 days or so because I just randomly stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning for absolutely no reason. Perhaps its because I never really look forward to the next day as my life has gotten insanely boring and not really worth living. Hence, this thing that I am writing. I need to get back on track. Need to fix my life a little. 

I read somewhere that you’re supposed to write a thousands words per day. Im at nearly 900 but I think I will leave it here because I’ll just blab about nothing. Although, this is my page and I can do whatever I want with it. No, I’d rather finish here.